It is the cliche’ answer, to respond by saying - “that it is far better to give than it is to receive”. However, as a parent soon finds out, and eventually brings to their expertise as a grandparent – we all must learn our lessons, in different ways…
Now- consider this, won’t you? From what or where do we give so freely, if we first have not received from another ourselves? Is this to suggest selfishness? As in, me first? I don’t believe that this is so…
A parent, or a grandparent – is a nurturer. In the beautiful cycle of life, of which we all have benefited to varying degrees — we each were first nurtured, and most likely it was by our own parent, or parents; and hopefully our grandparents. It is according to how well this was received, that for us today – WE are then able to give. So then, what is a parent – if not first, a student.
As a young LDS mother - I felt that it was my complete responsibility to teach, and love my children to the best of my ability. I was even so innocently arrogant, as to think that the better mommy I was – the better people my children would grow up to be. Now please – do not misunderstand.
But, even more than this… I actually had it in my pristine young-mother’s head, that if I taught them well enough – I could actually help them to avoid any of the pain that I had experience during my own childhood, and upbringing. I know. Crazy huh? But I had learned so much, and if they could understand what I now knew, they could dodge much pain. Especially the teenage years. I had that down really well!
Guess what? I failed, or at least I had thought so… for a little while, anyway.
No matter how hard I tried as a parent, my children did not always readily take my advice. Really. No matter how I tried to coerce them into doing so…. they would just not listen! They had the actual audacity to want to find things out for themselves — and often times, the hard way!
I’ve raised five children. You can only imagine how exhausted I became at times, can’t you? There is no handbook on parenting. We all know this, don’t we? So after some trial and a lot of error – I finally began to “get it”. I was receiving parenting lessons, through experiencing the agency of my own children. Who would have thought?
Ah, sweet relief…
I finally came to understand, that as a parent, and now even more important, as an LDS GrandParent – the most important part of nurturing – is to gently “guide” the teaching, and training of our children and grandchildren. Parents and grandparents, are there to help children learn that they should, and can – make good decision based upon the knowledge or information – which comes to them from loving “teachers” — be they a parent, grandparent – or another caring individual.
The principle of allowing our children, and grandchildren to experience consequences – is a powerful parenting and LDS GrandParenting tool. Giving or allowing – your child to experience the results of their own choices, is to allow them to “receive” the most important lessons in life; their own.
What an LDS GrandParent truly owns in knowledge, is that which they will teach or give to their grandchildren – with the greatest impact and power.
Freely teaching, or giving/sharing knowledge to another, is the evidence that we have received this ourselves - from another “teacher” at sometime in our own lives.
Personally, I have found that my best years of receiving, were during the times of raising my own children. These lessons learned, are now that which I so very much enjoy giving – but with greater compassion, and wisdom than “I” – ever would have thought.
I am so grateful that I learned from others first, who were ever so much – in a better position to teach me, that which I could then, teach others…
The LDS GrandParent is in what I believe, one of the most powerful teaching positions, of their life. As we gently lead, guide, teach and counsel our grandchildren – we are able to offer them, the best of what our life’s lessons have to give… And this, is truly a blessed grandchild!
tDMg
LdsNana
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Rebecca Talley 12.04.08 at 5:12 pm
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could be parents after we learned all those valuable parenting lessons? While I’m grateful for free agency, I’d sure like to take it away from my kids sometimes
.
clint 12.04.08 at 5:49 pm
You are still teaching leassons. although some of use aren`t children or grandchildren anylonger
LdsNana 12.04.08 at 6:38 pm
Rebecca -
That is the beauty of being a Grand-Parent. You are not only able to be a better parent, after you have received so many lessons from your own children, but you are now able to better support your adult children, as parents themselves. What a benefit we become to both our children and grandchildren, as the years go on…
tDMg
LdsNana
LdsNana 12.04.08 at 6:42 pm
Clint -
In reality, I’m not so sure that any of us, ever pass the stage of childhood. Children are continually receiving, while at the same time – they are teaching. Isn’t this the most innovative idea, to help each one of us learn to become more Christlike?
tDMg
LdsNana
sankar 12.04.08 at 9:13 pm
it is true that it is better to give than to recieve.
Jodi 12.05.08 at 12:56 am
Beautifully written as usual. As a mom I feel that I give give give all day long and I think the receiving part will come when my kids give me grandkids. Hehe.
LdsNana 12.05.08 at 10:54 am
Jodi -
There WILL come a time, when you realize that you truly have been receiving – all along:-)
tDMg
LdsNana
Shirley Anderson 12.05.08 at 12:10 pm
Hindsight really is 20/20, isn’t it? The whole time we raised our babies, they were the ones teaching us. Oh, they learn from us, too. But they are the strongest teachers, I believe. Ever try to make a baby or teenager do something they don’t want to do – their lessons come through loud and clear and it is us who do the bending, at least until we learn the best way to handle the situation – especially if it’s our first child, then we’re in boot camp. Then, it’s our turn to return the favour of teaching to the best of our ability.
You know, it’s a shame that we just get really good at this stuff and our tenure is over. That’s one of the nice things about grandkids. We can share what we’ve learned without a lot of the day to day stuff that contributes to the parental fatigue and typical stress. Still, I’d love to be able to re-raise my kids knowing then what I know now.
Great post!
LdsNana 12.05.08 at 12:32 pm
Shirley -
Raising our own children is exactly like being in boot camp. I am a firm believe that there is no such thing as “force” when it comes to bringing up children. As you mentioned, “we” learn to bend and work in better ways – to accomplish the teaching of parenthood.
I have also learned, that it is not necessary for us to “go back” are re-raise our own children, — but that we continue to counsel them, as parents. In this way, not only do they benefit as parents, but our grandchildren are the great beneficiaries of all this wonderful experience. This is why, grandparents are so important in the lives of their grandchildren.
And yes, it is much less stressful – as a grandparent.
tDMg
LdsNana
Shirley Anderson 12.05.08 at 4:11 pm
I like what you said about the not going back and I think that’s a much better way of looking at it, thanks for saying it. I didn’t realize how much the statement I made sounded like regret, which serves no purpose to anyone.
Yes, I much prefer your forward thinking attitude. Thank-you for shining a light on that for me.
LdsNana 12.05.08 at 4:43 pm
Shirley -
Thanks. I didn’t interpret it as regret, although most every parent has their share. I did, want to introduce a different perspective, that has really helped me personally, overcome any regrets I may have felt, as a parent. It is my personal belief, that the role of a parent, is eternal.
Now, with that perspective – we can give ourselves allowances the first time around, with our own children. I’ve heard it said before, that grandparenting can be a second chance. I don’t know about that, but I do know that when we support our own children as parents themselves – a lot of healing can take place:-)
tDMg
LdsNana